Jokes

whats the worst thing about licking a bald pussy? Putting the nappy back on


The best thing about 22 yr old is that there is 22 of em


The best thing about high school girls is that no matter how old you get they stay the same age...oooh yeah


What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing they were stuck up cunts


One day in the shower Little Johnny has noticed his mum's cunt. He asks, "What's that Mum?", she replies..."Well, that is where Daddy hit mummy with the axe". With that Little Johnny stuck his head out the bathroom window and yells to his Dad, "Nice shot Dad! Right in the cunt!".

Q.What's the difference between an Indian and a bucket of shit?
A.The bucket.

There were two Indians and a European on a ship. The Indians can be referred as Indian A and Indian B. Along the way, the European got seasick and decided to smoke to relieve his seasickness. He then threw the cigar into the sea. The Indian A then rebutted him and asked him why he threw the cigar into the sea. The European replied 'My country has plenty of cigars.' The next person to feel seasick was Indian A, he then decided to drink rum to relieve his seasickness. He threw the bottle into the sea. Indian B then rebutted him and asked him why he did it. He replied 'My country has plenty of rum.' After that, Indian B threw Indian A into the sea.

Bot wrote:

There were two Indians and a European on a ship. The Indians can be referred as Indian A and Indian B. Along the way, the European got seasick and decided to smoke to relieve his seasickness. He then threw the cigar into the sea. The Indian A then rebutted him and asked him why he threw the cigar into the sea. The European replied 'My country has plenty of cigars.' The next person to feel seasick was Indian A, he then decided to drink rum to relieve his seasickness. He threw the bottle into the sea. Indian B then rebutted him and asked him why he did it. He replied 'My country has plenty of rum.' After that, Indian B threw Indian A into the sea.

You forgot to say we have plenty of indians in my country

How do you confuse a blonde? Give her 3 things.

Hey

What's the difference between a hooker and a crack dealer?




The hooker can wash their crack and sell it again

There was an Irishman, a Russian and a Japanese man, all set out on a journey looking for work. They go by a quiet little dusty town and see a sign advertising work in the local coal mine. The pay is great, so they go off and look for the boss. They find him and he tells them "Well, you know, I don't usually hire foreigners here, but you three seem like a nice bunch, I'll give you a try. I want you, the Irishman, to go back in the mine and work on digging, you have the muscles to get the task done well every day. You, the Russian, I want you to cart out the coal every day and load it into the trains. And you, the Japanese man, I want you to be in charge of providing supplies to the people in the mine."

Well, on the second day, the boss goes down to th mine to check in on his new employees. He sees the Russian toting coal up out of the mines and loading it onto the trains and he's satisfied. He goes down into the mine to check on the Irishman and the Japanese man. Well, he sees the Irishman digging out the coal, but the Japanese man is nowhere in sight. He asks the Irishman if he's seen him lately and he responds "No, nobody has seen him all day, we're running low on supplies down here."

Fearing the worst, the boss starts wandering around the mine looking for his worker. Suddenly, out from behind a pile of rubble, the Japanese man jumps out, scaring the crap out of the boss and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"

An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enroll for a Latin course."

The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?"

"Ninety-three" is the reply.

"Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?"

"Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin."

The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?"

"Thats alright, I can already speak Australian."

Two prostitutes had just started to work for the day, One turns around and says to the other one i think today is going to be a very busy day. What makes you say that? replys the other. Well i can smell cock in the air, Oh sorry i just burpped.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

Gli-Glitched wrote:

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.''''

The farmer shot Chuck.

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

gli you get your jokes from yahoo answers too? lol

lol, nah i get mine from my igoogle account, it's some addon i dl'd

A lawyer and a black was on an airplane. The lawyer, feeling bored, challenged the black:'I'll ask you a question, if you can't answer, you owe me $5, in return, you will ask me a question, if I can't answer, I'll give you $50. The black agreed. So the lawyer asked him what the capital of Spain was, he couldn't answer so he pulled out $5 of his wallet and gave it to the lawyer. Then the black asked the lawyer a very difficult question (Don't ask me what it was, its not meant to be known.), the lawyer pondered on it (The question) for a while. Finally, he admitted defeat and pulled out $50 from his wallet and gave it to the black. Meanwhile, he asked the black:'So, what is the answer?' The black pulled out a $5 from his wallet and gave it to the lawyer.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"